Today, I just really need to sit down and write. So, my online journal...here is my world. I have had such a wonderful, happy summer break from homeschooling. Especially after Lake's accident and seeing the progress he has made. God is so good! We have been here, going on three years now, or about four. I have this longing still, is it going to stay here forever? Is it the longing for my family and friends? Yes, I do long to see the Thai people serving our God and loving Him with all that is within them. Is it the longing to feel connected to those around me? I am just not content and when I finally feel like I am about to 'get' it, then, I suddenly feel it again. Life is good here, the family's needs are being met, John and I are doing good, but something just isn't right. I would love to talk to some veteran missionaries, you know, 20-30 years on the field. I think I will when the opportunity arises. In the meantime, does one who moves to a foreign land ever feel REALLY at home? And yes, I know, some have said, 'don't put yourself in a bubble'. I am not! I DON'T speak Thai fluently, nor do I feel like it is my calling at this point--to leave the home and study full-time. I enjoy speaking the language and would love to know every nook and cranny of Thai, down to the humor, but right now I don't and it really isn't an option for me. I have four beautiful children and a house and homeschool to run...so that will have to wait until I am an empty nester.
Honestly, I really, really, miss my close family and friends. The ones that share the same vision as you, the ones that share your heart, the ones that love to sit and talk about the marvelous works of our Creator, the ones that just tug on your heart strings, the ones that challenge you, the ones that encourage you, the ones that will correct you, the ones that will listen, hug, and cry with you. Do you know what I mean? Can you relate to that at all? Can you relate to being tired of feeling like a movie star every where you go? People watching your every move, people watching the salad dressing dripping from the sides of your mouth? People just saying 'Hi' all the time, day in/day out...but, never really getting to KNOW anyone. Okay, well...I am ready for the people to come and know Christ already, where I can have some more friends. I have a handful here and I do thank the Lord for them, they are wonderful and truly a blessing to my life. I hope I don't sound like I am complaining? I don't want to complain, I am a little forlorn today.
Overall, life is sooooo wonderful!!!! My husband is AMAZING and my children are such a blessing to us both!! We are, as a family, so happy!!! Being missionaries on the other side of the world, just isn't easy!
There---
I love you all!
Sandy
It's ok to feel it and ok to say it. We have and do all feel it. Missionary life has lots of challenges and this is a big one. I love you and you are my friend, and I am glad we are in this together. And when we do go home someday (if we do) we will miss it, I am sure. Keep going Sandy, because you are making it and I am so proud to know you! Jesus loves you and has a good plan for your life, even if you never speak Thai! Love ya,
ReplyDeleteSusan
I cannot even begin to imagine what you are thinking or feeling, but I do know that God has you where you are, and that He will continue to hear your hurt and your pain and answer your cries. I know that He is so proud of you for your honesty and not trying to hide your true feelings and attitudes. May He continue to show all of us how to be content in whatever situation we are in, but never to be content with the way we are. We all have issues that need to be dealt with by facing the truth as the Holy Spirit shows us. Then we have three choices: repent, forgive, or be tormented by our enemy. So I encourage you to repeat these simple prayers after me (by the way, I was led in these similar prayers just this morning myself because I was in a mess - it was so simple, so easy - when I finished I was a different person with a different attitude, with a different outlook - God and His ways are incredibly easy and awesome - it is just taking the time to do it): Father, I purpose and choose to ask you to forgive me for not being content in the place that you have brought me to. In the name of Jesus and by the power of His blood, I cancel satan's power and authority over me in the issue of not being content where God has brought me to. I ask you father to heal my broken heart and free me from any shame, anger, guilt, rejection, bitterness, or fear. I seek You, oh God, to renew my mind and purge my conscience. I ask you Holy Spirit to tell me your truth about this situation of not being content where you have brought me in this season of my life. (May the Holy Spirit talk to you in a quiet voice, dream, vision, impression or just take the pain and leave you His peace.) I love you - MOM
ReplyDeleteSandy, As always your honesty and transparency has blessed me. Along with your sweet Momma's reply. While reading your post, I felt many of the same feelings...although, I still live in Milan and have my family around me. But, then life gets in the way...and I long for friendships and relationships that are not just based on...Hi how are you....good and you??? Relationships that are built around Him and spent in Him. Relationships where that person will hold you accountable and help me go even farther and deeper in my walk with God. I, too, am so blessed by my family!!! So blessed...I have an amazing husband, wonderful children, a strong faith, and a great church home and family...and unlike you, I have my extended family around me much of the time. But, yet, I too feel as if something is missing. And the irony is, Warren and I have thought maybe we were being called into the mission field at times...and that maybe that was what was missing. :) And overall, life is wonderful here as well, but I just wanted you to know that although I can't relate exactly to your post, it is absolutely amazing how much I can relate to it. (Does that make sense???) Love you, Girl!!! We still pray for you often...and I LOVE fb to help us stay in touch. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteLove, LIz
Oh, and thank you Mrs. Janice...I prayed that prayer, too. :) You are both such a blessing to me.
Hi Sandy,
ReplyDeleteI can't say that I totally understand, but I do know that it is terribly hard being away from your brothers & sisters in the Lord. These are the times that we must wholly trust in God to be our everything. I know it's hard when you really just want someone "with skin" to just sit and talk with, but God can fill that whole too! And it is okay to let all the feelings hang out, I think it keeps us "somewhat"sane.
"The Lord will supply all your needs...." We love you and can't wait to see you again! Until that time, may the Lord bless you with strength beyond your limits, an ever expanding love and a sense of peace that transcends any situation you may find yourself facing. Love you dear!
Tina